Empathy. Fear. Shock. Automatically, these emotions overcome me, something I couldn’t rid myself of as I stared at this photograph. At first I just looked at it, staring deeply, zooming in to ensure that it was my aunt on my computer screen. Whenever I do I get these chills and this scared churning sensation in the pit of my stomach. The first thing I was drawn to examine was her head. Her baldness, her vulnerability, her nakedness, she is completely exposed. I had never seen her this way, and maybe in the moment, I was swept up by the uncomfortableness and the pounding in my chest, but I neglected to think about her, how she was feeling. I kept admiring her smile, how bright it still is, even when she is uncomfortable and tired and terrified. While I can see her bright lip stain and her courageous smile plastered on her face, I also see every wrinkle that is enveloping her forehead as she tries to fight for her life and for her four beautiful children. There is no level of empathy that I hold for her that measures to how she truly feels.
All I know is that I look at her and I see the paleness in her cheeks, the lack of color, the cancer sweeping over her. Then I am reminded of her smile and I guess I can see a piece of me in her. Whether it’s my crater sized dimples or my goofy smile, I see that and I guess it’s reassuring. I don’t know if she’s smiling to protect herself or show the ones she loves that she is going to beat this, it’s amazing to see her appear happy once again. I look at what she is wearing at a chemotherapy treatment, the words ENJOY plastered on and I admire her confidence and courage and positive attitude. It captures me and provides me with this new meaning of life, because you don’t and won’t know it until it’s happened to someone close to you. I want to know how she does it, how she manages to smile when she is in pain and be a mother to four and continue to instill bravery, joy and appreciation in anyone who sees this photograph. I know it does for me.
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Wow I think this is an amazing blog Sam! I am so impressed with your writing style and even though I do not know this woman this blog helps me better understand what is behind this picture, her vulnerability yet confidence still evident in the photograph. I think you have done a great job expressing the thoughts going through your head when you first saw this.
ReplyDeleteVal, that comment meant so much to me, thank you. I really wanted that to come across in my writing and in the photograph, so I am thrilled you liked it and were able to empathize with it.
ReplyDeletewow. When did this happen? Sam this is amazing, the way you express your emotions its something to be proud of. I can relate to how you feel, how it makes your stomach turn and you feel helpless but when you look at the person who's suffering and how hard they are fighting, you set aside how you feel and focus on how extraordinary they are!
ReplyDeleteJewelia, thank you so much and to answer your question, she was diagnosed in August and is currently undergoing treatment. It is definitely difficult, but it is an eye opening experience. Thanks for reading and for the kind comments.
ReplyDeleteVery powerful writing. You are very good at expressing extremely complex feelings. You have a very clear, cohesive flow that makes your writing very easy to read.
ReplyDeleteJoey, thanks so much. I definitely am struggling with a range of complex emotions, I guess it's overwhelming, but I am glad I made my feelings clear.
ReplyDeleteSam this piece is gorgeous and actually brought me to tears the first time I read it. "she is in pain and be a mother to four and continue to instill bravery, joy and appreciation in anyone who sees this photograph" -- she most certainly instills courage in me.
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